Welcome to my Mid-Life Crisis

I haven’t written for well over a year, and boy what a time it has been. Some day I will blog about all the joy and tragedy that the last couple of years have held, but for today I need to share something that I don’t hear enough people talking about. Here is my trigger warning…..I’m about to get into all things boob and uterus related….not in a fun sexy way, but in an “I’m tired and old as hell” kind of way, so if you are afraid of uteruses (or is it uteri?), or if your funny bone is broken, this might not be the post for you!!

Is there anybody out there, like in the free world or the un-free one for that matter, that is 57 and still going through peri-menopause?? What this means is that I am still having my period, like clock-work, like fertile Myrtle, like a hormonal teenager, but without the teenage energy, excitement and let’s just say urges…😬. There is a list of about 50 peri-menopausal symptoms and I’m pretty sure I have 51 of them!! My top five faves are probably irritability, exhaustion, hot flashes, insomnia, brain fog….and did I say irritability!? Do you know that the number one treatment for peri-menopausal symptoms is hormone replacement therapy, and if you have had a blood-clot, (one of my many joys and tragedies of the last year), you can not take hormone replacement therapy!🥴 Therefore, I am, as they say, “raw-dogging” this shit! I have a wonderful gynecologist that I giggle/cry with every year as we discuss the anomaly that I am quickly becoming….her oldest patient to still be having their “monthly friend”. If there was a world record I could break, that would be the one!!😩

I digress, a bit, as I get to the reason for this post. I recently visited all of my docs for my annual visits. I was poked, prodded, mauled and man-handled as everyone took their turn examining all the parts of me that could possibly be harboring another blood clot. I can’t help but acknowledge how violating a female exam is….like do we all feel that way or is it just me?? It begins with, “I’ll give you some privacy, but undress completely and cover up with this wafer thin napkin and I’ll be back in a minute”. Well, for me….cue hot flash, cause yeah why not….so then the paper thin napkin under and on me starts to get a little…ummm….moist with the sweaty pores from, dare I say it again, my CHUBBY peri-menopausal body!😰 Right as I get the paper napkin in the proper position to cover my “highlighted” areas, in walks my doc, with a nurse…..and oh, hey….a visiting doc (they did ask my permission for this I will add), but at that point it’s like, “oh hell, who cares who’s lookin'”! Right about now, that privacy they gave you three minutes ago comes to an end….and that’s all I will say about that!! Oh, did I mention, right before this I received a mammogram where my boobs were squished, flattened and pulled like taffy??

I left the office, as usual, being told what an amazing anomaly I am, and headed straight for a sugary Dr. Pepper that I hoped my A1C and glucose levels would forgive me for in my upcoming lab work! Long story short, I am very healthy, which I am extremely grateful for of course, but now would you like to know how my test results presented this happy information to me??

Let’s see….my mammogram said that my boobs were free of malignancy (praise God, like seriously), but the note didn’t end there….it added….your boobs are mostly made of fat….😑! ISN’T THAT WHAT ALL BOOBS ARE MADE OF, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!?? insert long sighhhh…. The following day my pap smear (horrible name by the way….a SMEAR….my god) results came back and said again, thankfully, no malignancy, but your uterus is showing signs of atrophy!! I googled atrophy….you know what that means, “waste away”….my uterus is “WASTING AWAY”…my god….surely there’s a better way to say that!! But hey, on the bright side, my atrophied uterus is still making blood every single month…. 🥴so I guess that’s good news???

So you were warned, and now you have been enlightened! If you pushed through, well good for you….you were either mildly to moderately disgusted or, hopefully, mildly to moderately entertained. Growing old is not for the weak and the weary, but I will say that I am thankful to have been given the opportunity to do so. To conclude….go get your boobs squished and your uterus probed even though it sucks! Early detection and early intervention are so important, and while I thoroughly hated every second, I will go back next year and do it all again….praying all the while, that my atrophied uterus will decide to retire.🫠