My Journey!

I wanted to write this in honor of suicide prevention week, but I could never quite formulate things in my head well enough to get it on paper. Honestly, every week should be suicide prevention week, so here goes my story. I don’t know that anyone knows all of this. I’m not sure that I know all of it. I have never put the entirety of these thoughts and experiences in one place, but I want to and I need to. This blog shares one of the most painful times in my life, but in so doing, I hope it will be an encouragement and a resource to those suffering, and to those reaching out to help. I don’t want to say…..in the beginning….because you will yawn and close out, but I do want to start in a place that will help you to understand where I was in life and why this time was so very fragile and painful.

My husband was in the military so we moved around a fair amount. At this point we were living in Utah and we were a part of a very conservative, evangelical church. I was 39 and had just had my third baby. My family lived in Virginia and it was not possible for them to come and help for extended periods of time, so my husband and I had always pretty much fended for ourselves. I had previously struggled with postpartum depression, but with number three it was nothing short of brutal! I can not describe to you the fog that enveloped my brain like a thick darkness. When I woke up in the morning I felt completely heart broken because I prayed every single night that I would not see the next day. I made sure the kids were fed, and then I plopped them in front of the TV. Luckily my oldest was 9, so old enough to help, but not really old enough to know that I was NOT OKAY! I would go to my room and sit in the corner and hold my knees and rock back and forth for hours. When the girls needed me, I would fake it long enough to take care of them and then head back to my corner. When my husband pulled in from work I would run to his car in tears….he was so good to me…..and he would hug me and reassure me and take care of the kids so I could just go back to bed, and again pray not to wake up! When I would go out (without the kids, because I NEVER thought of harming them) I would pray that my car would crash. I never really tried to crash it, but I just thought “God, please let it crash! They will be so much better off without me!” I did not think I could make it to the next day…I didn’t see how I could, and I suddenly understood people thinking that they were just such a burden that their family would be sad, but then they would be better off! Me, a wife and a mom of 3, one 3 month old, yet I was convinced they would ALL be better off without me!

Why didn’t I get help you ask? Oh, I tried! Remember that church I told you about…yeah that conservative, evangelical one? When I went to them for help I was told a few really “fabulously intelligent” things.

First I was told that I should PRAY. Okay, as if I hadn’t already been trying to do that, and as if my foggy mind was capable of any type of cohesive prayer. I was also told “if you leave prayer still worried, you have simply worried with God, you haven’t LEFT it with God”, okay GREAT, now I can’t even pray right!

Second I was told that I should READ MY BIBLE. Earlier when I told you that I was rocking and crying in the corner….well, I had my Bible in my lap when I was doing that. Sometimes, I would open it, but the words were all a blur.

Third I was told to MEMORIZE SCRIPTURE. Okay, re-read the previous paragraph and tell me how ridiculous that is. So now I couldn’t parent right, I couldn’t pray right, and I couldn’t read right.

Fourth I had been told for years, prior to this incident, that MEDICATIONS FOR DEPRESSION ARE A CRUTCH. You just need Jesus. The literal message from the church, nothing hidden, nothing subliminal, nothing that needed to be deciphered, was that if you were depressed it was because you were not doing the first three things correctly. You were failing to pray, read and memorize God’s word! My message to myself….Trisha you are failing your husband, you are failing your children, you are failing your God.

One of the final blows, when I was literally at my lowest, was from a friend. I was sharing with them how bad I felt. How useless I felt. How horribly depressed I felt. These were the actual words they shared with me. “I had children in the NICU, I didn’t have time to be depressed.” NOW, I was ALSO choosing my depression. (to this day I’m not sure what their intent was behind these words, but the impact was powerfully painful) These words rattled me to my core, and have actually resonated with me for years as I have continued to battle anxiety and depression.

All, of these god awful things were a true recipe for disaster and I was reeling! I did not want to face one more day. In my mind, I was failing to die, simply because I didn’t even have the strength or courage to do that right!

Two things saved my life! Ronette Gibson! You saved my life. My best friend, who has since passed away, and who I miss every day of my life, saw my pain and rallied a group of true friends to spend time with me. These ladies made a schedule and saw to it that I was NEVER alone. They must have done this for at least a month. These ladies were members of that church, but they never judged me or any of my decisions or any of my pain. They were my people! THEY SAVED MY LIFE!

The second thing that saved my life was my husband. After about two months of living like this he said we are going to see your doctor and we are going to get some medicine. I cried! Tears of sadness (have I failed), tears of relief (maybe it will help), tears of fear (maybe it won’t help)! But Mark and I went that day and I started on medications that SAVED MY LIFE!

I am so so happy to still be here today. My oldest (that 9 year old 🙂 ) is now 23, an amazing artist, and is studying to be a librarian. My middle baby is 18 and an amazing musician. That little one is now 13 and in high school. She wants to be a lawyer. I would have missed it all. I was so brainwashed into believing that I was weak if I took medications, if I received help outside of the church, outside of the Bible! God gave us ALL of these other resources and I am here today because beautiful people saw to it that I took advantage of them when I was too weak to know best for myself. Be someone’s strength! Be someone’s advocate! Be someone’s hands and feet! And last but not least, never be afraid to call out BULL SHIT when you see it, hear and and smell it! You might just save someone’s life. Also, I have remained on medication for anxiety and depression. My life is fuller and brighter and I am a better everything because my brain needs that help, and I am not a disappointment to ANYONE because of it!