REDISCOVERING MY WHY

I abandoned my blog for a season. I needed to regroup and rediscover my why….and when I say my why, I really mean my who. I was writing from a space of anger and bitterness. I was writing from a space of fear and sadness. I was writing from a space of resentment….a space where I really just wanted to lash out and cause harm to those who had hurt my family. In that wickedly tired, exhausting space I forgot who I was and I forgot my purpose. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not really a big fan of the whole “you have to forgive to move on” theory….but what I did need to do was forgive myself! I hated the path I had chosen for my family, and I hated the results and the impacts those choices had on my children. I have come a very long way in working to show myself grace and to show myself forgiveness, but those who treated my family poorly will not receive that precious gift, what I WILL give them is the honor of not spending time hating them, nor another second of time stewing over what they did; I will not spend time harboring bitterness that will only eat away at MY soul…quite frankly, I will not spend time on them at all, not one more second. What I will spend time on is MY purpose….things that drive me forward, that lead me toward my calling and ultimately my reason for writing, and that reason is making sure every human being realizes their worth, their value and their beauty regardless of their sexuality or their gender. When you have spent 20 years in the cult of the Independent Fundamental Baptist church you understand the impact of spiritual abuse to its core, and become quite an expert on the tricks, tactics and cruelty of this rigid, legalistic nonsense.

With all of that being said, I want to share a recent experience with you to highlight why I am so passionate about my calling. My middle, non-binary child Bowie, is an amazing musician, shameless plug for Babybugs, and I am on the heels of their tour where I was working the merchandise table. What I learned during this time was so much more than making change and handing out shirts…I met the most amazing people with the most amazing hearts, with the most gut wrenching stories. I shed many tears as I watched my baby mend those hearts with their songs and their hugs. Many people at the shows belonged to the LGBTQ community. Their stories of judgement, hate, abuse and abandonment all had one theme in common…the church! In the name of god these people had been made to feel depraved, ugly, sinful and unlovable! If you are a spreader of this hate, either actively or by keeping your mouth shut in the face of it….shame on YOU! This is where I become completely unglued…those that have NEVER held the hands, wiped the tears, felt the pain, stood in the room as hearts literally break, have the nerve to think their type of christian “love” is somehow the answer…wake the hell up! People are dying, hearts are shattering, lives are ruined because you think you somehow hold the entire world’s moral compass in your hands as you use that KJV Bible (that has been translated and re-translated and altered and looks nothing like the original texts….BTW) to beat the figurative and literal life out of beautiful, amazing souls that are perfect just the way they are!! And you know what else??? They aren’t mad at God….they are broken by YOU!! You are winning no one to Christ and I promise you I learned more about Jesus in that room full of diversity….than I have EVER learned in a church pew! I pray this blog will not fall on deaf ears and I beg you to take a stand for this beautiful community.

If you, or someone you love, has been hurt by religion, please know that you are not alone and you are perfect just the way you are!