THE GENDER SPECTRUM

They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but shouldn’t we strive to be a bit more evolved than dogs?? Nothing against them….I LOVE dogs, but hey, they are dogs. We, however, are human beings that do not need to quit learning when we reach some magical age…50, 60, 70?? I am 55 and I will be the first one to say that I learn something new every single day, and I’m really okay with that, actually more than okay…I’m thrilled about it. So when I hear someone say that they can’t understand the importance of using someone’s proper pronouns, or claim themselves to just be “old-fashioned” when it comes to gender, sex and sexuality, or worse yet….claim god as their reason for refusing to learn something new, I roll my eyes harder and sigh louder than a teenager on laundry day. Additionally, I have found that people my age manage quite nicely to learn new things, especially when it benefits them….hey, I learned how to use my air fryer, and I only burned one entire pack of cinnamon rolls before mastering that little monster. I have learned how to tweet and post and DM and PM and take selfies and use LOTS of filters on said selfies…..I have even seen older folks learn to sky dive and fly airplanes and rocket off to space….so lets all agree that we CAN learn new things if we just give it a teeny tiny bit of effort, and maybe if we just deem it important enough.

So, with that being established I want to chat with you for a minute about the difference between sex and gender. This topic actually fascinates me and I have spent a fair amount of time learning about it from books and articles, but mostly from my wonderfully amazing children who are incredibly diverse and compassionate, and work every day to make others feel seen and heard and loved in their own unique ways. So here goes, in a nutshell of course, because you can literally major in this subject in college!! 🙂

One’s biological sex is defined simply by the reproductive organs with which they were born. If you have ever seen the terms AMAB (assigned male at birth) or AFAB (assigned female at birth), that is what this is referencing. There are, of course, also those that are intersex, meaning they are born with some combination of male and female genitalia. Okay, that one is easy….simple science.

NOW, gender is defined by the Oxford Dictionary as relating to male or female only in the sense of social and cultural roles. This paragraph will require us old people to stretch our brains a bit, because what we have historically thought of as gender has absolutely NOTHING to do with a penis or a vagina…but everything to do with how an individual perceives themselves in relation to preconceived notions of gender identity. Let’s use some examples…okay, be honest….you know you have met women who are much more stereotypically “masculine” than others, just as you have met men who lean more towards stereotypical “female” traits. So, in this regard, it is easier if we think of gender as lying along a spectrum. Let’s dig a little deeper into that concept, and add to our discussion the term “cisgender”. “Cis” is the Latin root word meaning “on this side”, while “trans” is the Latin root word meaning “on the other side”. Therefore, “cisgender” refers to a man or a woman whose biological sex and internal perception of their gender match, while “transgender” refers to someone who is biologically a man or a woman (AMAB or AFAB), but their internal dialogue, and their view of their place in the culture and society, in terms of gender, does NOT match (it is “on the other side”). It is also important to note that while gender and gender roles are largely societal and cultural, brain scans do show differences in those who have a matched gender identify and sex, versus those that do not…so maybe a little, or a lot, of biology as well!

This also relates to someone who is genderfluid, meaning there are days when one gender or another fits them more appropriately, or they could be non-binary, meaning they genuinely do not feel within their being that they fit either gender role in a way that is comfortable for them. When someone is non-binary they generally prefer they/them pronouns….and you know what, it won’t kill you to honor that wish! This paragraph is a lot, but I hope it made sense to you. Also, don’t get too hung up on all the terminology in the picture….it’s just an incredible depiction of the spectrum along which gender and gender identification can lie, AND, remember this is about striving to understand, NOT judgement or naysaying! The main point is that gender roles and gender identities vary so much, that it is beyond wrong to try to place every single human being into one giant “man” box or one giant “woman” box. Additionally, across cultures and time periods, male and female “boxes” have looked vastly different as well…some even celebrating and rising to honor those who didn’t quite fit the “norm”. Read more on Native American two-spirits for further discussion of this.

So, let me get to the best part! I have spent a great deal of time in the last several years talking to the wrong people. I wanted to change people’s minds, especially those who would say that all of the above is being fueled by a rage filled, hormonal woman who got her feelings hurt. Okay, you can think that, because I’m no longer talking to you. I’m talking to those who WANT to understand. I’m talking to the mama and daddy who love their child unconditionally even WITHOUT fully understanding. I’m talking to the transgender child/adult who has never felt accepted or understood; the non-binary, genderfluid teen who is made fun of, or feels lost and misunderstood at home. This is my audience! I stand before you as a mama of a non-binary child and tell you that I didn’t understand, until I stopped to learn. Do I fully understand how they feel in their own space….of course not, that’s an impossibility for all of us, but what I can do is love them in that space, make them feel accepted and honored in that space, and create a home that values them and supports them and LEARNS!! One last very important message, if anybody has ever told you that God no longer loves you or is broken-hearted because of you, I offer you a very hearty, love filled BULL SHIT! God intended for you to be just the way you are…He knew your sex and He is not surprised by your gender, and if you change your sex to fit who you feel you are on the inside, God is not in shock and awe of that either! If someone can cover their gray hair, because it makes them feel old, or get glasses because their eyes aren’t working so well anymore, or get a nose job, or a tummy tuck, or a butt lift because it makes them feel more comfortable in their own skin, then you (sweet child) can certainly alter YOUR body to make YOURSELF feel more at home in yours. Just as God made you, He also gave that nose, that gray hair, that flat booty, and those bad eyes…does He really care, is He really that greatly concerned, if we fix things about ourselves that make us feel happier, more confident and more true to self? God is neither surprised, nor saddened by any of this, and if He IS disappointed in anyone….I promise you sweet, beautiful, genderfluid, non-binary, trans child, it is NOT you!!!

I look forward to your comments and questions! This is a VERY complex issue and one blog can certainly not fully explain and describe every scenario, but I hope this gives you a good launching point from which to begin your own study and understanding. It will quite literally save lives!