ANXIETY!

So many decisions I have made in my life boil down to this one little, gigantic, weak, forceful, debilitating, empowering word…ANXIETY! Yeah, I promise I re-read that sentence, but when you struggle with anxiety it takes on a life of its own and becomes ALL of those things to you. There are days when you think you have that little shit on the run, you re-claim your power, you find your peace and then…..like a thief, like a stalker, like the fierce, quiet disease that it is….it sneaks back in and demands space in your brain! It is the unwelcome guest that keeps returning to your home, plops on your couch and spills it’s garbage all over your new carpet! Anxiety has no heart, no compassion and no limits to the places that it will go…..even worse, anxiety KNOWS your weaknesses, KNOWS your soft spots, KNOWS your vulnerabilities and takes great pleasure in camping out in just those places.

ANXIETY is refusing to take a nap in Kindergarten because you are certain you will miss the bus! ANXIETY is thinking that people in the school hallway can read your mind if you simply THINK a bad thought! ANXIETY is being certain that your parents are going to die! ANXIETY is thinking that you dropped paper in the hallway and you are going to get kicked out of school for littering! ANXIETY is worrying that you scraped paint off of a wall and your parents will have to pay for it to be repaired! ANXIETY is changing your major because you convince yourself you aren’t smart enough to do what you really wanted to do! ANXIETY is not having children until really late in life because you are so terrified of what that will look like! ANXIETY is having a miscarriage and being absolutely certain that you caused it! ANXIETY is letting people tell you what is best for your children because you don’t trust yourself with those decisions! ANXIETY is assuming EVERYONE knows better than you do! ANXIETY is never being able to trust your gut! ANXIETY is always deferring decisions to someone else so that you will have no regrets, but having regrets anyway! ANXIETY is leaving work and going back to the office 3 or 4 times to just BE SURE that you did everything just so! ANXIETY is then worrying about work all weekend anyway! ANXIETY is not sleeping! ANXIETY is losing joy! ANXIETY is wasting time! ANXIETY is the worst, best friend I have ever had!

I grew up in the 80’s when there wasn’t much help available for anxiety and depression. It just wasn’t well understood, and the stigma associated with mental illness was unforgiving! As time passed, treatment options grew but sadly I believe, so did the stigma! I remember my immensely painful struggle with postpartum depression. I remember being told that I should just pray more. I remember being told that I should just read my Bible more. I remember being told that I should memorize scripture more. I remember being told that medication was a crutch for the faithless. I remember hugging my knees and rocking myself in the corner of the bathroom. I remember the weakness I felt because I could not overcome by faith alone.

Why am I writing this blog? Two reasons really! ONE, I need to share my story. I live and process life OUT-LOUD! If you know me much, you know that. TWO, I need to share how, by the grace of GOD, I survived! See, ANXIETY stole a lot of years from me, but if I have anything to say about it….ANXIETY will not steal even one more moment! I implore you…if even a tiny part of my story resonates with you…..keep fighting! Things are so much better today than they were 30 years ago. There are so many more resources available. Information is widely accessible. And, praise God the stigma is also beginning to change! If you have family, friends or loved ones who question your need to take care of your mental health, politely….or not so politely…..tell them to freaking mind their own business! If you are in a church that tells you to just pray harder…..GET YOURSELF OUT OF THAT CHURCH! That is NOT God’s plan for you! God gives us doctors and medications and resources to treat every conceivable type of illness! Mental illness IS AN ILLNESS! God also gives US (those who suffer from mental illness) doctors and medications and counselors and resources!! YOU are worthy of help! YOU are worthy of support! YOU are worthy of love! YOU are worthy of patience! YOU are worth of kindness! YOU are enough! And YOU are loved just where you are!

So what about me?? Well, I finally decided that just barely getting by was no longer enough. My children needed more from me! Then when I saw my children begin to struggle with their own mental health issues, I knew something had to change! THERE WAS NO MORE ROOM FOR DENIAL! I decided I was worthy of love, help and support, and after three trips on and off of medication….cause you know, we start to feel better and think we don’t need it….DAMN BRAIN….I have now been on Paxil consistently for seven years. A side note, I also have high cholesterol…and let me tell you…I might skip that pill on occasion, but I NEVER skip my Paxil! 🙂 I know that I NEED it, and I’m not ashamed of that any more! I recently gave myself an even bigger gift by starting therapy. Medication gave me the ability to survive and therapy has given me the ability to thrive! There is nothing like a clear, calm voice in the midst of my personal chaos. And speaking of calm voices, my sweet mama, who has ALWAYS been there for me, even when she had no idea how to help me, would often say, “Trisha, when you hurt deep, you also love deep”! Now I didn’t always embrace that….there were times when I just wanted to stop feeling the hurt, but now I know mama was right. I wouldn’t trade the deep hurt or the deep love I feel for anything in the world because they are what make me….ME! AND……I am worthy of patience! I am worthy of kindness! I am enough! I am loved just where I am!